Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Q: That’s the sound of The Purging Lutheran’s money being:
1. Thrown out the window of the car.
2. Swirling down the drain of the terlet.
3. Rung up in an old-fashioned register.
A: #3. Old registers used to make ka-chinging sounds when I wanted to spend/waste money on VHS tapes. If you said all three, I’d guess you were thinking metaphorically and that’s all right, too.
Who could have guessed that there would be a technology more advanced than the video tape? I certainly didn’t. Digital recordings? That’s laughable! My fault was not remembering the past when Edison recorded film onto wax cylinders and charged people a nickel to watch a dog bark (with a subtitle, of course, since sounds hadn’t been invented yet).
My favorite film in this box is The Ten Commandments, not because of Charlie Heston but because of three things:
1. Edward G. Robinson’s impression of Al Capone as Hebrew bad guy, Dathan … plus the added bonus of watching him get swallowed up by the Earth as part of his just desserts.
2. Yul Brinner’s part as Rameses, not for his deep-voiced menacing dialogue but because of the long ‘gas hose’ hair cut he has. I’ve always wanted to grow a foot long shock of hair out of the side of my head, but My Sweet Rib says it won’t happen. Harumph!
3. The dialogue is top notch in my book. Who can forget such lines as these?
Nefretiri: Oh, Moses, Moses, why of all men did I fall in love with a prince of fools?
Nefretiri: You will be king of Egypt, and I will be your footstool!
Moses: The man stupid enough to use you as a footstool would not be wise enough to rule Egypt.
Nefretiri: Did you think my kiss was a promise of what you’ll have. No, my pompous one. It was to let you know what you will not have. I could never love you.
Rameses: Does that matter? You will be my wife. You will come to me whenever I call you, and I will enjoy that very much. Whether you enjoy it or not is your own affair… but I think you will.
Lilia: You are strange to the pits. Your back is unscarred.
Moses: You bring a warm smile with your cool water.
Lilia: My smile is for a stonecutter. The water is for you.
Moses: I thank you.
Lilia: Your voice is not strange. You are…
Moses: [Moses spoke very quickly, preventing Lilia from recognizing his voice] One of many who thirst.
Baka: You there! Come here!
Lilia: That is Baka, the master builder.
Moses: Does he call me or you?
Baka: You, water girl! I’m thirsty.
Lilia: He does not thirst for water.
Slave: Beauty is but a curse to our women!
Rameses: Now speaks the rat that would be my ears.
Dathan: Too many ears tie a rat’s tongue.
Nefretiri: You need have no fear of me.
Sephora: I feared only his memory of you.
Nefretiri: You have been able to erase it.
Sephora: He has forgotten both of us. You lost him when he went to seek his God. I lost him when he found his God.
Rameses: You have rats’ ears and a ferret’s nose.
Dathan: To use in your service, son of Pharaoh.
Rameses: Add to them the eyes of a weasel and find me this deliverer.
Nefretiri: Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!
“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
“Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’
“‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’
“He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”