the daily purge 8-31-16


The Purging Lutheran is purging this candelabrum. In Latin, candelabrum means “glowing stick”. You impale your glowing sticks on the spikes and your lights are held still. If there was a handle attached to the bottom you would be able to hold it to see down the creepy, dank steps into your basement when your wife hears a faint gurgling noise.

Q: “Why not just turn the lights on?”

A: “Because ‘shut up’, that’s why.”

You don’t know what you might find. What makes a gurgling noise? Probably something scary. Or expensive. You’d ask your wife again if she just didn’t hear a ‘gargling’ noise. That’s just someone brushing their teeth, not scary at all. Nope, gurgling. Three things that gurgle and their solutions:

1. A drain that is partially blocked, probably from grease being poured down the kitchen sink. This is easily fixed by a phone call to the local RotoRooter man.

2. A monster with an upset stomach. Monster stomachs gurgle when needing food; in this case, you. Arm your self with a harpoon and have at it. WARNING: Though hardly a Christian, Prussian philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, has some good advice when battling savages: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. 

3. Your newborn baby you left safely secured in his car seat in a well lit room away from all possible dangers who saw a picture of a kitten on the wall and gurgled and cooed in joy. Solution? Get’im and pretend it never happened.

Joshua 1:9   Have I not commanded ther? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest.



no monsters were hurt writing this purge





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